High Fives!

Have you ever had a sim you hated? You know, the sort of sim who’s just a real jerk? I’ve had some rather unpleasant sims over the last 16 years, sims whose outlook on life diverged greatly from my own, but of them all, I think the sim I most disliked was a fellow named Ethan Turner.

He was part of my Sims 2 game and came from a very solid, very established, very well-to-do family… although, to be honest, I never cared much for them, either. Let me begin by reminding you that I have quite a vivid imagination, and I include a lot of elements in my game that don’t really exist. I create backstories for my sims, give them different occupations that EA would ever include, and build stories around them that often go far beyond the confines of the game.

And so it was with Ethan Turner’s family.

BVBefore I get to Ethan himself, I have to begin with a pair of little old ladies — twin sisters — who were desperately looking for love. One was widowed, her sister divorced, and eventually they both did find husbands. One married a former professional wrestler — I’ll share his story someday — and the other finally found true love while vacationing on a tropical isle from Bon Voyage.

Robert Turner was a prize catch — at least as far as money was concerned and that was one of the things this lady loved most about him. He was filthy rich. How had he made his millions? Well, Robert Turner was also known as “the Porn King.” Yes, he was the man behind all those “Girls Gone Wild” videos, which was why he spent a lot of time on those sunny beaches. His hot movies were phenomenal sellers. Now, he was widowed, lonely, and looking for love, too.

It was a good marriage. Both Robert and his new wife were elders, by the way. I’d already given her a few family members, and now I created Robert’s children, quickly aged them up “off-screen”, so to speak, and then gave them children as well, so that the family structure would be appropriate for a man of Robert’s age.

Ethan was one of the grandchildren. He and his parents lived with Robert in a very beautiful mansion, complete with maids and a butler. He was privileged, he was spoiled, he was, he was handsome, he was charming. Yes, Ethan Turner had a perfect life.

But, truthfully, Ethan was a jerk. I didn’t see it so much when he was younger, but after he met and married a very sweet young girl, his true colors began to show. He’d moved out on his own, had bought a gorgeous home with a huge pool and all the amenities, and he threw huge all-night parties with lots of liquor and food. He was wild, he was crazy, he was rich, and he could do whatever he pleased.

That was when he met Kimmie. Sweet. Shy, Innocent. She was the total opposite of Ethan, so I was surprised when a relationship developed between them. He married her, and for a brief time, they seemed happy together.

But then Ethan quickly got tired of his quiet wife. He started partying again, spent a lot of nights out on the town — with other women — and didn’t really care what little Kimmie thought. She, of course, was too meek to even confront him.

Ethan’s behavior worsened. Even his own family began to realize what an insensitive jerk he was. And then, one night, Kimmie invited friends over for dinner. Ethan, as usual, was being rude and disagreeable.ย Nobody paid much attention to him, though. These were Kimmie’s friends, and they didn’t care much for her loud-mouthed husband.

And then it happened. Somehow Ethan managed to set the kitchen on fire, and I watched from afar as the dinner guests quietly left the scene without bothering to help the burning fellow. They amicably chatted outside while Ethan went down in flames, and then as the Grim Reaper appeared, these guests high-fived one another.

I’m not making this up, folks. They high-fived. At that point, I had to wonder…was it really an accident that cost Ethan Turner his life?

In many ways, the death of Ethan Turner reminded me a little of a true-life crime that happened here in Missouri. Maybe you’ve heard of — or seen — the film In Broad Daylight. It tells the story of a town “bully” who finally got what was coming to him. To this day — the bully was murdered in 1981 — no one has come forward to reveal who was responsible. The townspeople have remained united in their silence.

And so it was in my little town of Cedar Point. Ethan Turner’s untimely demise was simply listed as a most unfortunate accident. Little Kimmie received a large insurance settlement and went on to live a long and happy life.

High fives, folks, all around!

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